I’m writing because I’m all painted out. If I paint for too long, I get really antsy. I go from beautiful precision to absolute chaos. I usually end up knocking over my water cup if I surpass 40 minutes. But, it’s peaceful. I just can’t do it for very long.
Now I’m laying in bed trying to watch Gilmore Girls—I find myself feeling very bored. Can’t exactly put my finger on why, though. I find it difficult to pay attention to anything that isn’t Disney or Horror (huge contradiction, I know). Action works too.
Right now, theres’s no shoot outs or ghosts to keep my thoughts from wandering. That witty gilmore dialogue isn’t doing anything for me right now.
Why do I feel like crying? Aside from the fact that Lorelei just listened to a heartbreaking song that related both to her life and mine.
Because I haven’t figured everything out yet? Because I still don’t know if I can reach ‘recovered’? Because I always think I should be doing something else? When I’m writing I should be working out; when I’m watching TV I should be writing; when I’m at work I should be relaxing; when I’m working out I should be getting ready.
Do you want to know something funny? I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m 25. I need to make more money in order to do grown up things.
However, my only experience and certification is to be an Infant and Toddler teacher.
Oh Ron, if only life were that simple.
I don’t give myself many options because the thought of earning a degree, getting more certificates, taking tests (basically anything new) scares the hell out of me. What if I’m not good at it? What if it’s too hard? I hate the unknown. I’ll just stay home where it’s safe. I’ll clean house with a baby on one hip, people still do that right?
Good lord I’m destined to be a housewife. Why couldn’t I have been born in the 40’s.
I should really think about something else.
What made me smile today? I laughed when one of the children in daycare pronounced a word wrong and it came out very inappropriate. Still unknown what word he was going for.
A friend called me unexpectedly and one of her stories cracked me up. The story was also about a child.
No wonder I’m feeling so domesticated—kids make me happy.
Things I appreciated today…I got a random text from my boyfriend telling me he did research about why I’ve been feeling sick. That was extremely thoughtful. I also got an early Christmas present! Victoria Secret lotion…selfcare=the way to my heart.
It’s nice to think happy thoughts instead of trying to figure myself out all the time. It’s absolutely exhausting.
Today I was told I need to know who “Tasha” is. Not “recovery Tasha” or “Tasha with an eating disorder.” That statement made me unbelievably sad. I thought I did know Tasha, but maybe I’m putting too much of my identity in ED without realizing it. I hope I haven’t lost myself.
Digging up inner demons and solving life’s biggest issue seems so important, but maybe it’s more crucial to smile about the little things. Which makes sense.
When my Aunt chooses to spend her money on wants instead of bills, she laughs and says, “there will always be bills.” Well, to steal a line out of her playbook, “life will always have troubles.” Just as she spends her money wisely on things that make her happy, I can do the same with my time. Of course I can’t ignore the problems or I’ll create a bigger one, but if I’m always focusing on “the next bill,” that takes the joy out of living.
(I do have a money problem, so this metaphor conveniently applies to both.)
I think I’m going to try my hand at short stories. Perhaps write my own Disney, horror film.
I’m going to paint more, maybe refill the glass after the water spills.
I’m going to intentionally devote time AWAY from ED.
Eating disorder awareness is a passion of mine; however, it would be nice to fight against him from a “recovered” standpoint. And I want to make sure I really KNOW myself when I get there (I do hate the unknown, after all).