Posted in Eating Disorder Recovery

Coping with Change

I’m listening to the wind howl. I love any sound the weather makes.

And I hear my fingers typing on the keyboard. I usually have some sort of cartoon on in the background, but right now the silence is encouraging me to write.

I’m laying down with a stuffed puppy perched between my arm and my cheek. Laying like this is hurting my neck and I can only use one hand to type. But the comfort of holding my puppy is worth the awkward position.

I wonder why such childish things bring me peace of mind (for instance, my stuffed animal, Eve, yeah she has a name).

I could find a fun series to watch on netflix, or I could try being an adult and watch the news. 

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But instead I choose to watch the same cartoons I’ve seen hundreds of times.

There’s still a kid in most of us. It’s that carefree attitude–that says nothing else matters except Ash capturing another pokemon. Children do not carry a worry in the world. They find joy in the simpliest of things. A child will cry about a scrapped knee, but be distracted by an insect two seconds later and forget the pain. 

So, I’ll pet my fake puppy and watch My Little Ponies. I know that it’s weird, but it’s  what I like. No shame in finding your happy.

But I do find it curious how different people decompress after a long day. My boyfriend watches sports, or literally flips through channels until he stumbles upon an action movie he’s probably already seen. 

My sister is addicted to “Shameless.”

And my mom (like most moms) watches HGTV.

The truth is, I have a hard time finding anything to do without my mind wondering.  Plus, my phone usually gets all my attention anyway.

We might all have that problem, especially before going to sleep. 

And most times (unless I’m being super aware and seeking out helpful articles and positive instas) the phone isn’t healthy for me. I usually end up seeing a picture that makes me mad like a photoshopped fitness model. Or I’m suddenly stalking some random person I met once.

I wish I knew how to meditate. How to melt into my pillow and just breath. It’s allegedly great for you, but I always end up passing out.

I also wish I could muster up the energy to do some yoga right now. It is so peaceful, and I love feeling my body stretch. But doing anything besides being under my covers at the end of a long day feels like toooorture.

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It’s just so strange that I don’t always know how to relax. Especially since, I’ve literally thought about nothing BUT this moment all day at work. Being at home–able to do whatever I want. 

And then it’s even weirder how the things I planned to do can feel like even more work (like moving to do yoga)…

Or blogging. Now that I started, I’ve genuinely found peace in writing tonight. But every moment leading up to this was spent whining to myself: “Ughh, I don’t want to write..that means I have tooooo thinkkkkkk…”

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The ironic part is: if I don’t write, I’m thinking about everything and anything anyway, at least by writing I get to choose my thoughts (and I usually like to keep it positive).

So tonight, before I picked up my computer, my mind kept going back to one thing:

I’m in a transition right now. I’m learning new skills—being trained for a new position in a completely new career path. They are using words I don’t understand, and a program I’ve just been introduced to. I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s so much that these people know, and I don’t. It’s like a foreign language.

My friends all tell me they’ve experienced this in their current jobs. Everyone goes through this transition period. That helps. But still…

Screen Shot 2017-01-13 at 1.49.39 PM.pngI’m looking; I’m listening; I’m taking notes. My chest is tensing up even as I talk about it.

I’ve had this passing thought: “What if I get fired? What if they don’t like me? I need to quit everything and pop out some babies.”Screen Shot 2017-01-13 at 1.17.32 PM.png

My boyfriend pointed this out to me earlier: “you have AMAZING patience. But none for yourself.”

I need to KNOW EVERYTHING THEY ARE TRYING TO TEACH ME NOW!

But the truth is: I want to stick it out. I can’t wait to retain and understand everything. I know I can be close to my new co-workers and form great bonds and make them smile. And I cant wait to look back and be proud that I now know everything I didn’t IN THIS moment.

I’ve been sick with a nasty stomach bug. And in some ways I believe that was a saving grace. When I wasn’t in training, I was resting. I had to, my body was shutting down. I couldn’t even overthink.

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There’s something about trying to look like you aren’t about to throw up, that takes your mind off of worrying if someone new likes you.

Life is great. There’s no such thing as coincidences. And there’s always another perspective to take.

This past weekend when I got sick. I first thought: “REALLY?! For my first week of training?!”

But, as you can see, it clearly worked out.

I don’t know how I was able to get through everything. Well, no, actually I do know…

Supports. Faith. Positivity. and a little bit of sulking (I don’t like to bottle shit up, in recovery I learned it isn’t healthy)

Supports will get you through anything.

Unfortunately, I’m alone tonight. My boyfriend has stayed with me the past few nights because I’ve been sick and I’ve been nervous about my new job. But I told him I’d sleep home tonight, that I’m doing better and I’ll be ok. Because I want to be. Sure, its easier with him, but goddamn, I’m an independent woman.

I’m having a harder time falling asleep since I’m no longer so sick and drained. So my worried thoughts aren’t shutting off so easy. My puppy, the wind, and keyboard clicking will hopefully fill me with the peace I would like to find on my own.

No ED tonight. No ED the past few days: thanks in part to my sickness, my loved ones, my excitement, but most importantly—my strength.

I’ve had to deal with very intense emotions in the absence of ED. But then I remember how exciting it is to not constantly have to fight him. I’d rather feel genuine emotion than the distraction of urges.

And how exciting to look back one day and realize I learned everything I need to learn in my new job, WITHOUT using ED to cope. Screen Shot 2017-01-13 at 1.27.01 PM.png

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One thought on “Coping with Change

  1. You are an amazing writer! I love reading your articles! They give me a sense of peace because they just make sense. One thing that I have learned in the past year is that if something scares the shit out of you. You should probably do it because in the end it always works out. Even if it’s not the way we originally thought it would. Moving across the country starting a new job/ new life have been the scariest most exciting thing I have ever done. looking back I’m so glad I did something that scared me so much but it worked out so amazing for me in the long run. One thing I kept saying to my self was if it doesn’t workout at least I tried it and I can go back to what I was doing. I also learned in the last year of you don’t make changes nothing going to change.

    Ps. I have a stuffed bear names Mr. Bear bear I snuggle him every night.

    Liked by 1 person

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